Today is a very special day for me. No matter how many years pass, this day is one that is etched in my memory. Eleven years ago today my life changed forever. Today is the anniversary of the day my husband killed himself.
Every year since then I have noticed that this particular day, September 14th, is hard for me. The funny thing about this year is that I almost didn’t remember that it was today. About halfway through the morning I realized the date and I was surprised that I hadn’t even thought about it at all. Usually on this day or somewhere near it, I tend to get emotional. I find myself feeling uncharacteristically sad, or just not quite myself. This year I didn’t feel any of that. What I did feel is a bit of nostalgia.
I spent some time today looking though a very special memory box that I keep. Inside the box are piles and piles of cards filled with sweet and kind words from family and friends after he died.
Eleven years feels like a lifetime ago and in many ways it is. I am happily re-married now and I can honestly say that I have never been happier in my life, but every once in a while I think about before. I think about my first husband and our life together. Our lives have all moved on without him, and on days like this I wonder if I am the only person in the world who even remembers this day. Reading through the cards helps me feel like he was real, like he did exist and that he is remembered.
I know that people often say time heals all wounds, and while I agree that time can soften the sharper edges, wounds leave a scar, and emotional wounds leave just as prominent a scar.
Eleven years ago my life changed forever, and today, for just a few minutes I spent some time looking through memories, and that’s okay because these will always be part of me. They helped to shape who I am today. When I finished, I put them all back in the box to look at again another time. They will always be part of my story.
Beautiful. Yes, those memories will always be a part of your story. I love how you said they helped to shape who you are today. That's so true. Instead of holding on to the pain, you chose to hold the memories close to your heart, which made your heart even bigger. And with that, your heart was opened to new love and happiness. I think emotional scars are far worse than physical ones and can wreak havoc in our lives when we try to ignore or hide them. Bravo to you for loving your WHOLE life -- scars and all.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, I appreciate your kind words. It has been a long journey, but I really do love where I am right now.
DeleteYou are amazing and inspirational. I was so devastated for your loss 14 years ago, but you are the most vibrant testament to the strength and resilience of the human spirit-- living, loving and embracing all that is good in life, helping it to flourish. And handling with grace that which isn't, cultivating resilience and perspective. You're amazing on every level and I'm lucky to count you as my friend. --SB Ahwatukee Girl
ReplyDelete❤️Thank you! I had so much love and support and I know that made all the difference!
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