Daring Adventures in Midlife: He is getting so tall

This is Hard! I need to acknowledge this fact because today I am struggling.

I am sad.

I am frustrated

I am angry

I am scared

I am overwhelmed

I am tired

This morning when I woke up my son-in-law had texted a picture of my grandson, something he does quite often, but the picture this morning was pointing out how big & tall my grandson is getting. My daughter and son-in-law are constantly sending pictures of my grandson and my granddaughter. These photos and videos have become a lifeline for me and my husband during this pandemic because my daughter and her family live in Tennessee and we have not felt that it was safe to travel there, so these moments are our connection to our grandchildren. We call and FaceTime with our grandchildren, and we celebrate each moment that we can spend together, even if it is through a screen.

Looking at the picture of my grandson this morning felt like a gut punch. He is getting so big and it hurts so much to not be there to see it happen. I used to travel to Tennessee every 2-3 months. I haven’t been there since March. If there was no pandemic I would have been there with them at least three or four times so far. I would feel how tall my grandson is getting when he gave me big hugs. I would feel his little legs and know how much longer they felt when I picked him up for kisses and hugs. I would have squeezed the chubby arms and legs of my granddaughter as she shared drool all over me – and I would have loved every sticky messy minute, but for now pictures and FaceTime will have to do.

Like most of us, I have good and bad days, but during this pandemic my good days are the ones where I can distract myself enough to not feel sad, and my bad days are the ones where I am missing them so much it physically hurts.

I think we are all overwhelmed right now with this big cloud of uncertainty; struggling with the pandemic and our disastrous, ugly political climate. Sometimes it just feels like too much.

We have all been trying our best to cope for these past six months, and as the holidays loom ever closer, it just adds more fuel to this big ugly mess of emotions that we are all feeling. I want to be happy about the holidays, but this year I won’t get to enjoy a happy thanksgiving meal with my father. I won’t get to excitedly browse in stores for just the right present for my loved ones, I won’t get to be there when my grandson opens each carefully chosen present to see if he genuinely likes the choices I have made.

I know that I have a lot to be grateful for. So far in my family, no one has gotten ill with Covid. We are exceptionally fortunate that no one has lost their job. We have a nice home and we are still able to pay our bills. I know that there are millions of people who are not nearly as lucky, but that doesn’t change the fact that all of this is hard.