I’m in my fifties now and one
of the realities I have noticed is that many more people around me are dealing
with grief and loss. Whether it’s the
loss of a parent or even the loss of a spouse, as we age grief becomes a part
of all our lives.
I am by no means an expert,
but having gone through the death of my first husband and the loss of my
mother, I have lived through my fair share of grief, so I want to use my
experience to offer some advice.
What NOT to say/do:
· We all know people who say things like, “they
are in a better place now” or “everything happens for a reason”, neither of
those statements are helpful when someone is hurting so please refrain from those comments.
· Please do not tell someone,“ I know how you feel” because you really don’t know exactly how they feel. Each situation
is unique, and having empathy doesn’t mean you know what someone else is
feeling.
· It may sound like a compliment, but saying “you are so
strong” can be incredibly frustrating. Being
strong is the only option they have right now, they really want to curl into a
fetal position and sob, but putting one foot in front of the other is all they
can do and its not strong, its survival.
What to say/do:
· Your friend or loved one probably doesn’t feel like
eating; so don’t focus on bringing food.
We had so much food when my husband died, much more than we could ever
eat. We felt guilty about wasting it all
and honestly we were stressed about getting the bowls and serving dishes back
to the right people – so if you feel you must bring food - please bring it in disposable
dishes.
· A thoughtful gift might brighten their day. I mentioned wanting to write and I had an
amazing friend who went right out and picked up some beautiful journals for
me. Another friend bought a big comfy
bathrobe and some beautiful candles to help make my bedroom feel like a safe
place.
· Cleaning or doing other chores can be extremely
helpful. My sister-in-law swept and
mopped and did dishes, it helped me to not feel so overwhelmed.
· Sometimes just being there is the most important thing
you can do. I still remember my sister
climbing into bed with me and sleeping there; she didn’t say anything, she just
stayed right next to me so I wouldn’t feel alone.
Grieving is part of life, but
it is one of the hardest things to go through.
Give your loved one time to grieve, just be there to listen, that’s the
most valuable thing you can do.
