Wednesday, August 22, 2012

48 years young!

One more day until my birthday!  Its funny how 48 sounded ancient when I was in my teens and twenties, but now its simply 'midlife'.  So much has changed in the world in those last 48 years.  The cool birthday picture - it was on google today - personalized for me, and if I scrolled my mouse across the picture it read "Happy Birthday Laurie".  So much about the world is different.  So much about my world has changed too - sometimes I feel like the twenty three years with John was in another lifetime, it feels so long ago and so removed from my life now.  Peter and I had a funny conversation at lunch last weekend, I was actually figuring out how soon I could retire, REALLY, me retiring, old people retire - not I am really getting older (although I will never grow up).  By the way if my numbers are correct I can retire in 12 years.  Maybe I can retire and get busy writing  - like I want to.  One of my inspirations is Claire Cook, she is so proud to say she published her first book at 45 (I am a little late for that timeline, but does my Eating Disorder book for Rec Therapy count?). 
So my birthday wish - I want to publish a book, a novel before I am 50 years old. I might just focus on self publishing or epublishing, but I am going to do it.  Hopefully when I post on or before my next birthday I will be able to say my wish came true.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Calming down

I'm so glad to finally feel like myself again.  I'm getting back into the groove at school, and finally feeling healthy and relatively normal, now I just need to get busy exercising again.  It was so nice to go to Julianna's wedding last week.  She and Michael looked so happy.  I was so glad to be part of her special day.

It is hard to believe but its been almost 5 years since John committed suicide.  I have talked with Danielle about finally going up to the Rim and maybe even going up to Colorado to spread his ashes.  It is time to just do it- and really move on.  I am going to invite Rachael too, but I am pretty sure she won't have any interest in going.  I want to make sure we put John somewhere that he loves, and that Dani & I have a chance to really spend some time saying goodbye.  It will be strange, but I think it will also be a good thing.  I know I will feel better with that door closed, so I can concentrate on a new future with Peter. 

I did decide on an official wedding date - Saturday June 14, 2014!  I know it is going to be amazing

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


Feeling like myself again - what a great reminder it is to appreciate the little things.  Life is good today. 

Thursday, August 9, 2012


I got very sad today, I realized it was John's birthday. I don't know if anyone else will realize what today is?  Maybe Kay (his Mom) will think about him today, but I really don’t know.  I don’t even think his daughters will realize that today is their Dad’s birthday.  It makes me really sad.  I feel like my life has moved on, and John is just someone from the past, but every once in awhile it overwhelms me, he was so much a part of my past, he was my husband and my best friend for 22 years.  I felt the need to look at pictures of John today.  I rarely ever look at his picture – I don’t even have pictures of him up around the house  anymore.  I am very happy with my new life with Peter, but I cannot completely let go of my past.  I am still so confused about what happened – I don’t really sit around trying to understand why any of it happened, but I am still slightly shocked and overwhelmed when I think about all that we have been through.  The girls and I are the definition of resilience.  I guess thats why it still surprises me when I feel such grief at moments like today.  It is so strange to be so angry at someone and yet still love them……….I hope he is having a nice birthday.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


Ahhh - someday I will be able to get dressed without pads or panty liners, it may not seem like much of a goal, but I can't wait for that day to come.  I have been bleeding or spotting since mid-May - yes, that's 4 months straight of bleeding, and now I have some 'discharge' from the surgery.  Its not quite bleeding, but a very lightly pink-tinted watery discharge.  According to the doctor I will most likely have this for a few weeks, but possibly up to 6 weeks.  Yes, the idea of getting dressed without feeling like I am wearing a diaper sounds so amazing to me.  On the bright side, I am NOT bleeding anymore.  I am so hopeful that this ablasion has done the trick.  I did make the mistake of reading Fran Drescher's book "Cancer Schmancer' so now I am ever so slightly nervous that maybe there was an issue with the cells in my uterus, I think the doctor took some cells and sent them to the lab, but I'm not 100% sure.  Well - if she did, and there is anything wrong I know she will tell me.  Going through all of this, and reading the book from Fran Drescher really makes me feel like I should write & publish my own book, a mix of my own story and a self-help type educational book for women.  Peter thinks it is a great idea, and with all of the epublishing info out there, maybe I should.........

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Light at the end of the tunnel

After a long summer, struggling with fear, cramps, bleeding, hormone pills and endless doctor visits I am finally on the road to freedom.  When my doctor got me a referral to a gynecologist, they were amazing.  I came in unsure of what to expect – and left two hours later with reassurances that my lining was significantly reduced, that it was likely not any form of cancer of hyperplasia and with an appointment for meeting the surgeon and a scheduled ablasion the week before school started.  I was soooooo impressed.  After meeting with the surgeon, she requested that I get the follow-up for the essure that I had never gotten 4 years ago when I had the essure implanted.  I have to say that was a yucky experience, they basically fill your uterus with a dye, and yes you are awake, and they x-ray to see if the dye stays in the uterus or if it goes up into the tubes.  Well the good news is that the essure is working properly, my spring-loaded uterus is just right. 

Possibly the funniest experience - or the most awful experience of my whole crazy summer happened the night before the procedure - it was 'Meet the Teacher night". I had run out of the progesterone pills and decided not to get anymore since the surgery was scheduled for Thursday. I had already started bleeding pretty heavily by Tuesday so I thought I was prepared, but in addition to the bleeding I began to have hot flashes in the past two weeks. Sweat literally pouring off my face during these hot flashes, at least living in Phoenix in the summer, it doesn't seem as out of the norm as it might in other places. Anyhow, I am wearing off-white pants (yes it does seem a tactical error in hindsight) and right in the middle of my second presentation I can feel that I am bleeding heavily.  I have in a super tampon (changed right before the evening started) and a large pad, but I can tell I am in big trouble.  I am trying to stay calm and finish talking with this full room of parents when I begin to experience a hot flash also.  Yes I am standing there bleeding, sweating, and trying so hard to be welcoming to the 50 or so people standing in my classroom.  I am so thankful when this session is almost over and I spot another staff member so I ask if she can stay in my room while I run to the restroom, and it’s a good thing I did, but of course I get some blood on my pants L  so I try to pull down my shirt – which is tight and doesn’t pull down very far, but somehow I manage to make it work and finish my night.   This one experience seems to sum up my entire summer – chaos and challenges, but I refuse to let them interfere with my plans. 

I was surprisingly nervous for the actual procedure, Peter drove me there and he was nervous too, which I am sure added to my tension.  The thing I feared the most was the damn IV.  They were a little concerned because my blood pressure was elevated, but it went way down once the stupid IV was in.  After that I don’t remember much, I went out like a light and woke up with mild cramps and a prescription for some Tylenol with codeine for the weekend.  I have made a point to take it easy.  I do have some discharge, but after the extensive bleeding I had this summer it seems so mild.  The first day my uterus felt so heavy and full – like there was a 20lb brick inside my body, but it is already starting to feel more normal.  I feel so lucky to have such a wonderful man like Peter.  He has been so caring and attentive, giving me my pills and bringing me drinks.  Considering how grumpy and out of sorts I have been this summer – he has been through so much, and he has been amazing.  I am finally hopefully that after a few weeks my life will return to somewhat normal, without doctor visits, without procedures where people look into or put things into my uterus, and where I don’t have to take those awful hormone pills.  They did not agree with my system at all.  AND the extreme bonus that I might not have any more periods at all J